Question: What’s red and green and goes 175 miles an hour?
Answer: The cure for my stomach problems.
Auntie M and I are riding around with her friend Merlina, an unrepentant shopaholic, who’s driving with the hair-pinned aggression of a fighter pilot. I mean aggressive by even Peruvian standards. Vehicular rampage. Lima’s fearless Blue Angel of the highways and byways.
Merlina’s Toyota Tercel speeds toward a place I have been warned, repeatedly, to avoid: the district of La Victoria.
I guess it’s all relative. The TV news in Lima is not unlike the U.S.: If it bleeds, it leads. But the constant hum of dramatic crimes and tragedies makes parsing what’s merely dangerous from what’s completely fucking dangerous surprisingly difficult. Walking around middle-class neighborhoods like Surco and San Borja, I’ve yet to encounter my worst street fears. But I feel prepared.
Not with any sort of fancy martial arts training mind you. No Rex Kwon Do. No boxing. No Aikido. No Karate. No Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Not even Roshambo. Nada.
But I have the right mentality for violence.
Most people take being mugged at gunpoint personally. This is wrong. Even the phrase ‘armed robbery’ starts the whole venture off on the wrong foot. Bad language. Bad vibes. It’s no wonder so many hard-working, honest-to-goodness street thugs get such a nasty rap. Where is the justice in this world?
A lot of unenlightened people have been brainwashed into viewing the barrel of a fully-loaded .357 pointed smack-dab between their eyes as a disaster. But not me. I like to think of it as opportunity for spontaneous charity. A 6-inch serrated blade placed a whisker’s breadth from your carotid artery will make you a giver as well. Gives you confidence in your fellow man. And all you needed was that little extra-caliber push to overcome your inner Scroogie. Hallelujah!
After all, only in these precious, powerful moments will you come to realize that all the disposable wealth stored in your greedy pockets is a mere pittance compared to your newfound generosity. It is only then, with nerve endings raw and the brain squealing in stuck-pig survival mode, that one can honestly say, “Hey, everybody! Look at me! I am a giver!”
"After all, only in these precious, powerful moments will you come to realize that all the disposable wealth stored in your greedy pockets is a mere pittance compared to your newfound generosity.”
Enlightenment!
“A lot of unenlightened people have been brainwashed into viewing the barrel of a fully-loaded .357 pointed smack-dab between their eyes as a disaster. But not me. I like to think of it as opportunity for spontaneous charity.” — hilarious!