POOPSIE
EXT. STREET - DAY
FLUFFY the poodle, it’s face completely covered with fur,
happily wags its tail and makes its way down the street,
stopping to sniff a fire hydrant.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
A SCHOOL BUS whizzes along, flying over speed bumps.
INT. SCHOOL BUSY
MAX, the psychotic school bus driver, steers crazily.
MAX
WHOOOOEEEEEAA! WHOOOEEEEAAA!
The grade school KIDS on the bus are rocked about, falling
out of their seats.
EXT. STREET - DAY
The poodle merrily prances off the curb and sniffs a dog turd
in the middle of the road.
The school bus rockets over a hill and BAM! Slams into the
dog with a sickly splat.
The bus screeches to a halt, the door opens, and EARL JR., a
chubby third grader, gets out. Immediately, the bus careens
off down the street.
Earl Jr. Looks down at the whimpering animal.
EXT. HOUSE - EVENING
Establishing shot of a house with ‘THE COCKALEEKIE’S’ written
on the mailbox.
INT. HOUSE
Earl Jr., EARL and GWEN COCKALEEKIE look down at Fluffy, the
wounded poodle who is bandaged up like a mummy.
EARL JR.
Can we keep him, daddy? Can we?
Huh? Huh?
EARL
No.
Earl Jr. starts crying and heads to his mother.
EARL JR.
I hate you. Mom, daddy’s being a
fucker, again.
GWENDOLINE
Earl, what’s wrong with Junior
having a pet dog?
EARL
They’re expensive and they eat
their own feces. Dogs are filthy
animals, Gwen.
Earl Jr. Starts crying harder.
EARL JR.
Fucker! Fucker! Fucker!
GWENDOLINE
How can you be so hard-hearted?
See, it already likes you.
Earl looks down at the perky dog and then over at his crying
son.
EARL
Tits. All right.
EARL JR.
Yay! I love you, daddy!
Earl Jr. hugs Fluffy, who gives him a lick on the cheek.
EARL JR.
Whoa! That tickles. You’re so
fluffy. That’ll be your name.
Fluffy. And you’ll be my bestest
friend in the whole world.
EARL
But we keep him on one condition:
you take care of him. He’s your
pet. Your responsibility.
EARL JR.
Oh, I will, daddy. I will. C’mon
Fluffy. Let’s play.
MONTAGE SEQUENCE
2.
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S BEDROOM - MORNING
Earl puts on his work business suit. He looks down and
frowns.
EARL’S POV
Fluffy is lying on his jacket.
RESUME COCKALEEKIE’S BEDROOM
Earl scares Fluffy off and holds up his jacket full of dog
hair.
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S KITCHEN
Earl takes a pill for ringworm and squishes it into a
‘CHOCOWAMMIE’ chocolate bar, then shoves it into Fluffy’s
“mouth”.
EARL
Ah!
The chocolate bar splats right back on Earl’s face.
EXT. COCKALEEKIE’S BACKYARD - DAY
Earl Jr. Splashes in the pool, exhorting Fluffy to come down
from atop the pool slide. With carefree abandon, Fluffy
slides down and hits the water with a huge SPLASH.
Gwen carries out a tray full of lemonade and looks surprised.
GWEN’S POV
Earl sits drenched in a patio chair with a wet newspaper.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Earl kneels with a pooper scooper at what he thinks is
Fluffy’s butt side. SPLAT. Wrong guess. Fluffy drops a
turd on on the shoe of an angry POLICEMAN from the other end.
A street sign reads ‘NO LITTERING’.
EARL
Tits.
The policeman hands Earl a ticket.
3.
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S FRONT DOOR - AFTERNOON
Earl opens the front door after taking Fluffy on a walk.
They’re both drenched from a deluge of rain. Earl scowls as
Fluffy tracks dirt all over the carpet.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
The CHECKER scans a whole load of special diet dog food for
dogs with extra flatulence. Earl does a double take as the
grocery price ready ‘EIGHTY DOLLARS’.
EXT. COCKALEEKIE’S BACKYARD - DAY
Earl Jr. Is pushing Fluffy on a swing. Earl enters frame.
EARL
Junior, time to get the camping
gear.
Fluffy flies off the swing and lands on a rake that raises
and pounds Earl right in the nuts.
EARL
Oh!
END MONTAGE SEQUENCE
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S FAMILY ROOM
Earl sits asleep in front of the television.
GWENDOLINE (O.C.)
Earl! Help!
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S KITCHEN
Earl frantically rushes in and sees Fluffy madly humping
Gwen’s legs.
GWENDOLINE
Help! Help!
Earl pulls Fluffy off of Gwen and holds its “face” up to yell
at it.
EARL
Quit dry humping my wife, damnit.
You hear me?
4.
Fluffy shits all over his face.
EXT. COCKALEEKIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The door opens and Earl boots Fluffy out. Gwen and Earl Jr.
Are crying as Earl slams the door shut. Fluffy whimpers,
looks back at Earl Jr. Crying in the window, then slowly
walks off.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING
A STATION WAGON, ridiculously loaded down with camping gear,
chugs along. A large sign reads ‘WELCOME TO YELLOWBLUFF
NATIONAL PARK. PLEASE DON’T FEED THE BEARS.’
EARL AND GWEN (O.C.)
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah!
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah!
INT. STATION WAGON
Earl and Gwen are having a jolly old time singing. Earl Jr.
sits in back, unenthused.
EARL AND GWEN
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah!
Oh Lord, kum ba yah!
Earl and Gwen cheer their singing, then Earl smiles and looks
in the rearview mirror at his son.
EARL
Isn’t this great, Junior? Kinda
reminds me of when my dady took me
camping when I was a little boy.
Earl Jr. turns away and coldly stares out the window.
EARL JR.
I miss Fluffy.
EARL
(Muttering to himself)
Tits.
EXT. CAMPSITE - EVENING
Earl sets up the tent as Gwen unloads stuff from their car.
Earl Jr. Picks his nose next to his father.
5.
EARL
Junior!
EARL JR.
What now?
Surprised, Earl misses the tent stake and hammers his thumb.
EARL
Oh! Tits. Why don’t you go find
some kindling for the fire?
EARL JR.
What’s kindling?
EARL
Sticks. You need sticks for a
fire.
EARL JR.
What fire?
EARL
The fire we’re gonna build.
EARL JR.
Why areEARL
Go!
Earl Jr. leaves reluctanctly.
EARL JR.
Ah fuck!
EARL
Watch your language!
GWENDOLINE
Are you sure he’ll be okay out
there?
EARL
He’ll be fine. Besides, staying
busy will keep his mind off of you
know who.
GWENDOLINE
Relax. We’re all going to have a
great time. Chocowammie?
Earl takes a chocolate treat, sets the box on the table,
opens up a beer and admires the raised tent.
6.
EARL
Is that the work of an eagle scout
or for what?
Earl Jr. races from the woods with an armful of sticks.
EARL JR.
Daddy. Daddy. I got your
kindering right here. Ain’t you
proud of me?
Earl Jr. trips and falls over the tent pole, sending the
entire tent down in a jumbled heap. Earl spits out his beer
in surprise.
INT. TENT - NIGHT
Earl, Gwen, and Earl Jr. Are snoring, fast asleep.
EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT
A big GRIZZLY BEAR lumbers into the campsite and sniffs its
way to the ‘Chocowammie’ box Earl left on the picnic table.
INT. TENT
A half-awake Gwen hears the bear growling ominously outside
the tent.
GWENDOLINE
Quit snoring Earl. You hear me?
Earl?
Gwen wakes up and sees the silhouette of the huge bear
outside the tent.
GWENDOLINE
Ahhhhhhhhh!
EXT. THE WOODS - NIGHT
Fluffy ambles through the woods, stopping to sniff at a bear
turd on the ground.
EARL (O.C.)
Help! Someboyd help!
7.
EXT. CAMPSITE
The bear is pulling Earl by the leg out of the tent, which
has a gaping hole ripped through it. Earl Jr. And Gwen
scream helplessly from inside.
GWEN AND EARL JR.
Ahhhh!
Fluffy rushes up to confront the massive bear.
EARL JR.
Fluffy!
The bear lets go of Earl, lurches downward towards Fluffy’s
“head”, bares its teeth and growls. Fluffy rips one.
FLUFFY
Fppluuuuuuuuuuuupppphhhh!
Wrinkling its nose, the bear goes to Fluffy’s other end,
bares its teeth and growls. Fluffy’s other end rips one.
FLUFFY
Fppluuuuuuuuuuuupppphhhhh!
Disgusted, wide-eyed and confused, the bear turns tail and
run away. Earl Jr. And Gwen race over and embrace the hero
dog.
GWENDOLINE
Fluffy, you saved us.
EARL JR.
Daddy. Daddy. Can we keep Fluffy
this time, daddy? Huh? Huh daddy?
EARL
Well, all right.
EARL JR.
Yeah! I love you, daddy.
EARL
But only on one condition.
Earl holds up a razor.
EXT. COCKALEEKIE’S HOUSE - DAY
Establishing shot of a beautiful, sunny day outside the
Cockaleekie’s house.
8.
INT. COCKALEEKIE’S LIVING ROOM
Earl’s watch alarm goes off as he channel surfs. From the
end table next to his couch, Earl squishes Fluffy’s medicine
into a ‘Chocowammie’ chocolate bar.
EARL
Fluffy! Fluffy! Here boy.
Fluffy, shaved from head to paw, comes bounding into the
living room. Earl holds up the treat, and Fluffy sits up,
excitedly. It’s “face” is a butthole with eyes.
EARL
Turn. Turn around. Good boy.
Fluffy turns around. It’s other end is also just a butthole
with eyes. Fluffy grabs the treat, then jumps into Earl’s
arms.
EARL
Ow.
Joyfully, Fluffy’s tongue darts out of his butthole and gives
Earl a big, wet lick on the side of the cheek.
FIN.
Adorable! 🥰😘🥰
Funny!