Cows Attack!

COWS ATTACK!

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

The vast emptiness of space as a large SPACESHIP, shaped like a cow, slowly moves through the frame.

INT. SPACESHIP — BRIDGE

Two SPACECOWS, dressed in astronaut garb, snore in deep slumber as the ship gently glides through space. One spacecow sucks on a nib of a plastic milk bottle like a baby.

The red fuel panel blinks on and off, warning of a low fuel level. The two spacecows remain asleep, oblivious to the blinking and beeping.

EXT. OUTER SPACE

The ship falls off course and starts spinning uncontrollably.

EXT. FARM — DAY

An old FARMER, with a face resembling a bulldog and a prune, sits atop his old tractor as he carefully tills the dirt in a straight line.

From the barn windows, DAIRY COWS blink lazily as they watch the tractor tilling back and forth.

The farmer’s face contorts in alarm as he sees the flaming cowship careening towards him

INT. SPACESHIP — BRIDGE

The spacecows remain in unmindful slumber, sawing logs.

EXT. FARM — DAY

The farmer dives off the tractor. The flaming cowship rams into the tractor just as the tractor smacks into the farm’s silo, sending it crashing down.

The spaceship lays half-submerged in dirt and debris. Its cowhead sways bobblehead-like with a silly smirk plastered across its face.

A door on the spaceship opens and the two spacecows rush out. Coughing and gagging on the acrid smoke, they take off their helmets before one gives a gigantic burp, then a sigh.

SPACECOW #1: Buuuuaaaaaaahhhhhh! Ah.

BOOM!

They duck in the nick of time as a shotgun blasts over their heads. The farmer reloads his shotgun, its barrel still smoking.

FARMER: Freeze! Now holds still soz I can give youz two what for fer ruinin’ ma’ tractor.

The spacecows look to each other, then spacecow #1 barrels the other spacecow as they beat a hasty retreat into the spaceship.

FARMER: I saids hold still!

The farmer fires airballs as he chases the spacecows around the spaceship. As the farmer stops and looks around, the spaceship’s eyes stare at him behind his back.

Sensing trouble, the farmer turns around. The spaceship erupts out of the ground and stands like a giant on its two legs. The teets on its udder pop out like gun muzzles.

FARMER: Holy-

Machine gun fire zings past the farmer as he drops his shotgun and flees. The spaceship’s cowface still has its goofy smile as it pursues.

INT. COW ROBOT — HEAD

The two spacecows work the levers as they gleefully chase down the farmer.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE — DAY

The cow robot follows the farmer past a sign that reads ‘Rickety Bridge’.

EXT. RICKETY BRIDGE

The farmer and the cow robot run onto the bridge. Totally fatigued, the farmer stops to catch his breath.

Planks creak as the cow robot slowly plods forward. THWACK! One of the cow robot’s feet smashes through a plank.

INT. COW ROBOT — HEAD

The two spacecows look at each other as if to say ‘Uh oh’.

EXT. RICKETY BRIDGE

With a loud CREAK and a SMASH, the entire bridge gives away and both the cow robot and the farmer plummet towards the lake below.

FARMER: Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh…

EXT. FARM — DAY

The farmer’s yelp is heard over the clucking of chickens, and the dairy cows at the barn perk up their ears.

EXT. COUNTRY HILLS — DAY

The scream echoes throughout the hills and valleys.

…hhhhhhhhooooowwww!

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. FARMHOUSE — NIGHT

Establishing shot of the farmhouse.

INT. FARMHOUSE — KITCHEN

The farmer talks on the phone in his underwear with shotgun in arms reach. His overalls hang on the wall with a huge rip in them.

FARMER (Into phone): I’m tellin’ ya’ officer, it was them spacecows that gots me.

The OFFICER’S voice is indecipherable from the phone.

FARMER (Into phone): No, I ain’t drinkin’. But I’m a tellin’ ya’, dagnabit. Just get yer keester out here before them spacecows come back and blow up me whole farm.

He angrily slams the phone down.

The sound of a loud engine revving is heard and the farmer’s face goes flush.

INT. BARN — NIGHT

Shotgun in hand and still in his skivvies, the farmer kicks open the barndoors.

ANGLE — FARMER’S POV

The spacecows look back in surprise. A large lawnmower-type engine connected to hoses milks the farmer’s dairy cows, with the main hoseline going out the barn…

EXT. BARN — NIGHT

…and hooking into the cow spaceship’s udder.

INT. BARN — NIGHT

The spacecows knees quake with fear as the farmer levels his shotgun at them.

FARMER: Reach fer it, dingbats! Youz better be quakin’ in yer bovine boots, ‘cuz I gots a right mind ta brand ya’ and sells ya’ to them slaughterhouse as hamburger.

The rest of the CATTLE in the barn look at each other with concern. A big BULL frowns

and then lets out a holler.

BULL: MOOOOOOO!

With that they stampede the farmer from behind, knocking him over.

FARMER: Ah! What ya’ll doin’? Quit hittin’ me ya’ friggin’ dummies.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE — NIGHT

The farmer is tied to a tree in his skivvies. The spacecows’ milk bottle is shoved in his mouth like

a gag. Some of the farmer’s cattle stand around as a policecar pulls up.

Two POLICEMEN get out and pull the milk bottle out of the farmer’s mouth.

FARMER: It’s about times ya’ got here. Them spacecows nearly killed me this time.

Policeman #1 holds up the milk bottle and shows it to Policeman #2.

ANGLE — POLICEMAN #2 POV

The milk bottle reads: ‘FIRE MILK, 180 PROOF’.

RESUME — COUNTRYSIDE

Policeman #2 takes a whiff.

POLICEMAN #2: Whew! Cows from outer space, huh?

The policemen laugh and head back to the squad car as the farmer sits still tied up.

FARMER: Hey, where youz two knucklebrains goin’? There are spacecows. I swear.

The cattle look at each other and then start walking away from the farmer.

FARMER: Hey, comes back here youz bovine Benedict Arnolds.

POLICEMAN #1: Only one thing I don’t get,

POLICEMAN #2: What’s that?

POLICEMAN #1: How did he tie himself up?

POLICEMAN #2: Ah, who knows what kind of weird things go on out here at night in the boonies.

FARMER: Wait. Don’t walks away. Untie me ya’ gooneybird dingbats.

As the policemen get into their car, the cow spaceship hovers overhead, before disappearing into the starry sky.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END.